I used to love the Transformers television show... I'd make sure to interrupt my morning schedule of rolling over in my sleep to find the nearest Saturday morning TV watching ritual in the closest American home just to see the latest adventure of Autobots vs. Decepticons. The Pop Tarts were merely a side benefit.
However, seeing the live-action movie released into theaters has made me pause and reflect on what it was about the series that I loved so well.
First of all... why were the good guys cars, and the bad guys fighter jets led by a leader who turns into a gigantic gun? Scenario: The Decepticons are shredding the sky with their antics, strafing everything in sight and zooming away at supersonic speeds. The Autobots roll up and Optimus Prime challenges Megatron: "Stop destroying the humans with your evil, or we'll stay down here and really scuff up the concrete pretty bad! Hey! Quit flying while I'm talking to... okay, you! Stop flying when -- dammit, will someone stay in one place long enough to fear me? I'm leaking oil over here, I'm quite cranky!"
Second of all, if you're a 50 foot tall robot armed to the teeth with futuristic technology, why do you even bother to disguise yourself as anything? Unless, of course, it's for the visceral thrill of scaring the goh sen out of the next couple that wants to listen to their newest mixed tape in you. "Here, Judy, I made this for you for our anniversary!" *presses 'Play'* "Oh my God, no! Where did this robotic panther come from? Run Judy, run! OH GOD, NO! THIS ISN'T EMO AT ALL! Actually, it kinda is..."
Finally, the Dinobots. While I loved Grimlock's constant prefacing of anything he was saying with "Me, Grimlock (insert rest of sentence here)", is it really possible to believe that the Autobots can create a robot who's that stupid? I once saw an episode where the Dinobots were called in to help put down an insurrection by Starscream and Soundwave, only they never showed up and the Autobots had to enlist the help of loser geek Spike and his aging mechanic dad. What happened? Turns out that Snarl had caught sight of himself in a mirror and thought it was a monster come to steal his toy squeaky cucumber. A battle royale ensued, leaving most of the Autobot compound in ruins, 3 Dinobots disabled, Snarl curled up around his 'bobo', while Slag wept quietly in a corner.
Now, I understand the Dinobots aren’t in this new movie. Whassamatter, too unrealistic? Michael Bay reinvents the Transformers, making them nearly unrecognizable. Why? Did he think that giant humanoid robots were too confusing to non-geeks? Ambulatory scrapheaps composed of forks, forceps, and whisks more recognizable? Going for that elusive kitchenware fanatic demographic?
“Guys, check it out… BOOM! BANG! GOD I love explosions! What was I talking about? Right, Transformers. Okay. They should totally ROCK, okay? KA-BLAMMO! WHOOSH, WHAM! They should have, like, millions of corners, like the ultimate choking hazard! That’s so cool! It’s EXTREME! WHOMP! And, like, one of ‘em can ROLLERBLADE down the highway! YES! SHRAKATAKABAM! And we can have one turn into a snowboard and carry another one that turns into a fire-breathing jetski! POWIE! FREEOWW! Janet! Get in here, I need my Ritalin drip! It’s lunchtime! All this innovation makes me hungry! FA-SPLOOSHIE!”
Phoooo… I don’t feel so good. I’m gonna go transform into a sleeping wolfie.
I've got Dungeon Master's Guide
I've got 12-sided die
I've got Kitty Pride
And Nightcrawler too
Waiting there for me
Yes I do
-- "In the Garage", Weezer
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